2 monthly reader celeBRATory Q&A + TTT Sabiru & Benadryl

I can't believe people visit this site. The are some of the questions I've been asked over the years I guess to the best of my recollection. Questions have been paraphrased for easier reading and comprehension.

I'm also sorry if my written english isn't as good as it once was, I haven't read anything in a while or had the opportunity to practice it outside of some chatting here and there. All jokes aside wow this really took me a while to write and publish. Burnout really is a terrible thing.

A map that I built from the ground up? haven't made one in a while. Only thing I'm working on at the moment is a friend's map that I've been porting to GMod on and off in my free time. What should have realistically taken weeks has dragged on for months and who knows for how much longer. Just been lacking motivation and creativity to open up Hammer and work on it for extended periods of time with everything I got going on in life. It's a really cool map though and I'm sure people will love it.

Below is a handful pictures of me playtesting the original Mapbase map some months ago for said friend:

Besides simply porting, a lot of effort has been put into adding extra content with input from the original author. Without getting into detail, the original map had to fit inside a space of 2048 entities which is the limit for HL2 and Mapbase derived mods. Porting it to GMod means I have at least 16k entities to work with and less limitations thanks to Lua, though nevertheless most of the map still operates on a clusterfuck of Hammer entities; coding is only being used to keep track of achievements and other completion checkmarks. This means more fancy graphical effects, quality of life improvements and enemies to fight.

What's cooler is that my friend and this map in particular got me into FLStudio, a music making program. My friend did the entire soundtrack for the original map from scratch, and I'm just adding my own songs to compliment some of the new content that's being added.

Learning the inner workings of this map was a whole nother thing which will go in its own dedicated article someday, but rest assured I had to suffer just as much as the original author. Indeed, just because this isn't an original work of mine, extensive effort had to go into it to make it a reality. Even before I started porting it to GMod, I designed some aspects of it for my friend, as I am better informed in Hammer logic and the like, together with countless hours of debugging and experimentation on my side.

I hope to release it sometime within the current decade.

If I can brighten someone's day by making it public then it's a win for me. If it helps even one person in becoming a better mapper then double win for me.

I appreciate it but I make enough as it is you can keep your money.

Eyes are so pretty and they come in all different shapes and colors. Blue ones are my favorite.

Hearts taste exquisitely when you BBQ or pan fry them, and livers might as well be considered superfoods on top of tasting good.

Circling back to the liver, it is an organ that's been riddled by poisons and cancers, asbestos from the break linings, lead from the car exhaust, PCP's from the car seats, dioxins, parathidions, dieldrin, mercury. radioactivity. There's only so much punishment an organ can endure. Still, store-bought chicken and jackrabbit liver still tastes yummy so I'll eat it.

I have never experienced regret as I believe every decision I make is righteous. But if I rephrase your question to read "what was the worst mistake of your life" that would have to be loving a dumb white cunt and the sunk cost fallacy that comes with it. After I learnt what a girl was as an older man, I haven't made that mistake once.

Some financial decisions I could have approached from a better informed mindset, but it's no use crying over spilled milk. After all, money is to be made and spent. To make amends, I've been selling some of my crap, downsizing my PC setup and moved from my inherited house back with my parents with the sole purpose of accumulating as much money as I possibly can. I have a good relationship with them and if I need to bring someone over I still got the other house. I have big plans for the future and I will accomplish it with the help of capital.

And lastly, I wish I could have been nicer to some people in my life.

Only time I've ever used what's popularly called AI was as an experiment for generating textures for various GMod maps around 2023-2024 using Stable Diffusion locally hosted on my computer. The results were pretty good all things considered and some of those textures may have made it into my maps. You never know.

I don't use AI for anything else, nor writting this page, summarizing stuff or as a chatting companion. It's a real possibility that people accuse me of using AI to generate this text, but the truth is that I'm pretty well read in English so it's something that comes naturally to me.

My philosophy in life is as follows: "the world has hurt me so much that anything I do is justified as a result".

My life has been ruled by this reasoning for years now and it's worked great. Taking shortcuts? telling a white lie? sleeping around? scoping out things to steal from work? "my life has been hard so I deserve a little treat here and there" I say to myself. Why should I nerf myself and get cucked out of opportunities when people did the opposite of that to me my whole life?

I don't give anyone any empathy because no one had any empathy for me. No one ever cried for me and no one ever came to save me. Ever since a young age I had to go out of my way to pull myself up from the bottom, to pick up all the pieces left by derranged adults and that's that.

Faking empathy on the other hand? I know how you feel this, I've been in your place before that. I sleep at night because I feel rightful in and empowered by this mindset and I will double down on everything I've said here. In fact, this mentality is what gave me catharsis and mental clarity after a lifetime of confusion and asking "why me and not someone else?"

But I don't act this way around people of course. It's called compartmentalization, look it up. No one in my circle would suspect I'm like this.

Let me start by saying that most skincare products are either a scam or snake oils that won't make any noticeable difference. Instead, here's what you should use:

• Tretinoin + vaseline (I'll explain why later)
• A good moisturizer
• Sunscreen, SPF 50 if you're a cracker like me
• Cleanser
• Finasteride/Dutasteride (nuclear option)
• Cutting milk from your diet

Before I forget, the reason why I cut all milk from my diet is because ever since I was a teen I suffered from acne. Not the worst acne you've ever seen but enough to leave some light scarring to this day. It wasn't until some years ago that I figured out it was milk and milk-containing products causing this. I rarely get any acne nowadays because of that and my skin is the best it's ever been.

My routine is as follows: cleanser followed by moisturizer in the morning, then apply sunscreen if I have to go out. Wash face at night right before bed, let it dry and apply tretinoin: spread a pea size blob on each cheek and forehead, then another bit to cover the mouth area. It may not seem as much at first but tretinoin is quite potent so don't put on too much. Tretinoin is meant to be applied on a daily basis, but once every other day should work albeit slower.

Did you know that the biggest source of skin aging comes from the sun? use sunscreen. Retards say that it causes cancer, which is false, but even if it did, looking like a raisin at 25 years old is a fate worse than death.

Of interest regarding tretinoin is its acquisition - despite being prescription medication, it's available in most pharmacies over the counter in Europe, though it may be cheaper to buy generics through grey market pharmacies such as those from India and Bangladesh provided they do international shipping. This is the difference between 25 euros and 4 euros a tube. Buy in bulk so as to not get fucked in the ass by repeated shipping and handling costs. Alternatively, many domestic online pharmacies may have tretinoin in stock and will sell it for way cheaper than an in-person pharmacy.

Another thing you should be aware of in regards to tretinoin is its strength classifications, often measured by percentages. It ranges between 0.025%, 0.05% and 0.1%. All of these will get the job done eventually, some faster than others. Some brands use milligrams per grams instead of percentages (0.05% > 0.5mg/g), such as Retirides in Spain. It's a good idea to start at 0.025% if you have sensitive or acne prone skin since tretinoin works by hastening the rate of skin turnover, promoting collagen and elasticin generation but irritating and drying the skin as a consequence for possibly a few months until the skin is used to the retinization. I started at 0.05% since that's the only thing the pharmacy had in stock and it's wasn't that bad really, with the exception of some redness and burning following the first few applications.

And now onto vaseline, it's always a good idea to have nice lips just in case you're put in a self-defense situation, but it's supremely useful if you're suffering from dry skin and flaking as a result of tretinoin. For me It's helped a lot around the mouth. Just get one of those tubs of vaseline that last forever.

Finasteride and Dutasteride, without going into detail and despite not being approved for skin type cosmetic reasons, both have a positive effect on your skin by decreasing the amount of dihydrotestosterone (DHT) in your body, a male sex hormone and a successor to testosterone. Besides being the primary cause of male pattern balding, DHT has been demostrated to inhibit collagen production and increase the generation of sebum, thus potentially causing acne in men. These ones I strongly recommend buying online as you really don't want to jump through hoops in order to get them in pharmacies at an insane mark up. I got my stuff from Minoxidil Express, but I recognize there's probably much better sites for it in terms of price per pill.

I'm so glad you asked because I don't think I answered this question before.

It was a short while before I started working on that map it that I began dabbling with DPH which is colloquially known by the brand name Benadryl. I'd known about it from different memes over the years but didn't know it was accessible in Europe. Not as accessible as in the states where you can just go into any store and get 100 pills in a bottle but accessible enough that it's commonly found in online pharmacies for cheap. So I got some online (picture attached) and began popping some pills.

And yeah those are 50mg pills. It puts the 25mg Benadryls to shame.

In accordance with different accounts, I put my foot down and decided that my first dose was going to be 200mg right after waking up on an empty stomach. After reluctantly downing the four pills, I popped a caffeine capsule to prevent any possible sleepiness which may or may have not been a mistake. I later learned that it's not really necessary, and the inability to fall asleep in such a state of drowsiness is extremely dysphoric.

Taken during a fast, that shit hits within 40 minutes. Immediately noticeable is the massive body load like someone cranked gravity to 11. In fact, it was so bad during the first few times that I could hardly get off my bed with the exception to go take a leak. Even moving my limbs or my hands as I laid in bed was terrifically taxing. Based on my experience, the body load paradoxically gets less intense as you increase the dose which doesn't make much sense but okay.

Then it's the visual artifacts sensed at medium doses like 200mg. The walls and ceilings would distort and shake rythmically with my heartbeat, which is an effect I implemented in a few textures inside TTT Sabiru, such as that one weird house with the red carpet floor, among others. Splotches of varying shapes and sizes, but mostly dark colors, would emanate on surfaces before growing in size or morphing around, sometimes melting away. Then, staring at objects was another thing entirely. I would be in the bathroom taking a piss and just stare at a towel for minutes watching its noisy texture shake about or morph into shapes.

Another peculiar visual I consistently observerd regardless of dose is flashing vision. Just as it sounds, my vision could suddenly darken before returning to normal seconds later. But sometimes it would also lighten. This happened even if I closed my eyes.

Psychologically speaking, I never took enough to enter full blown delirium like many of the horror stories you read, but I found it to never be as dysphoric as the physical feelings this drug induces. A reocurring theme is that my short term memory would go to shit completely. I'd be listening to some YouTube video essay slop and I couldn't recall what the dude said a few seconds earlier or even what the video was about. For the time I was still inexperienced, I would feel a sense of desperation or dread at the fact that I was unable to sleep despite being so drowsy. Another psychological aspect I remember about my experiences dabbling with DPH is wondering whether what I just saw was real. This happened all the time as I browsed Steam or the YouTube front page. In the latter's case, I'd focus on a particular video, its thumbnail and title and for longer than I'd like admitting trying to figure out if it's actually real or some sort of hallucination.

At 200mg and similar doses, closing my eyes resulted in experiencing a brand new dream each time. Or maybe it was closer to a series of disjointed thoughts colliding with one another that would disappear as quick as they materialized only to be replaced by another. During this my heart would beat faster, enough to cause some mild anxiety.

More creative tasks like mapping weren't as bad as listening to and retaining information. Mapping on DPH was something I could do after some experience and higher doses when the body load wasn't as debilitating but I still mainted my consciousness. I remember I'd do tasks like work on a portion of the map, edit textures, get some sounds and music going, and promptly forget about them or wonder if what I did for the past 2 hours, or what I perceieved as 2 hours, really happened, and then I went work on a different part of the map. Rinse and repeat for the duration of the trip. In short, it was hard keeping track of progress and what I did for the day.

It goes without saying that, of course, most work on this map was done sober. Otherwise I don't think I would have ever finished it.

Some of the graphics and artistic decisions in the map were inspired by the visual components of the trips I experienced.

This is the reason for some of the unorthodox design decisions in the map. I don't recommend DPH at all what a shitty way to trip. Get something better that won't mess you up. Nevertheless, I still find myself drawn to it every couple of months, just to get reminded of why I stopped taking it in the first place.

On top of my full time night shift job doing maintenance work, I signed a contract with a modelling agency based in Madrid about a year ago in 2025. You could call it a seasonal gig and it fits into my work schedule, that being 6 days a week for 3 weeks straight and then get the whole 4th week off for the month which is when I typically arrange it. Won't go into much detail about it other than it's helped me get some extra money, the opportunity to travel by train to another city and meeting people in the scene, even if it's a handful of days a year. It's been small stuff so far, eyewear, accessories and the like.

Other than that, I've been doing some flipping on online platforms like Ebay and others that shall remain undisclosed. I've made some money reselling clothes, repairing phones and laptops, coins, tools, that sort of stuff. Electronic repair skills are really useful, soldering and the like. And you can use it to do favors for people so that they may do favors for you.

I don't actually and it's gotten worse ever since I got this full time job. There's so many things on my to-do list that have been sitting there for months and even when I do have some leisure time I'd rather play vidya and get fucked up than actually be productive. That's the difference between rapid release and slow release dopamine. Long term I know I'd be happier working on my hobbies, grinding music on FLStudio and mapping more but I know that takes time and time is not something I've had for about two years now.

Frankly I can think of at least two original maps other than this one port I talked about earlier that I could have released if I had more discipline, or perhaps it's burnout. I don't get on PC much nowadays regardless so a lot of those unnamed projects will have to wait.

I know switching to part time would solve this issue completely since work wouldn't consume my entire existence, and that was my plan initially, but I couldn't let this job opportunity go. The money is good but what does it benefit a man if he wins the world but loses his soul?

One last thing I can add on this topic is my belief in producers and consumers. The average normshit is a consoomer that doesn't create anything and thus doesn't mind working 70 hours a week if it ultimately means being able to go home and sit in front of a TV to consoom content created by talented producers, and those producers would really hate working full time, even 40 hours a week, as it would throw a wrench into their creative process. Just imagine all the independent music bands, films and games that would have never been made if their producers had been working in a factory 6 days a week instead of grinding whatever it is they're doing. Think about it.

Let me start by saying that I am a big fan of altering my consciousness. I also don't have an addictive personality so I never had a problem with this but you probably shouldn't do drugs because most of them are expensive and money is better spent elsewhere.

Starting from an early age, it's gotta be alcohol, though I had to give that up months ago due to the fear that it might affect my physical appearance negatively. I'm really approaching an age at which the body is less forgiving of such things like alcohol, smoking and sun exposure.
One thing I distinctly remember about alcohol is how it dehydrated my skin to the point that lines started appearing around my mouth where there were none, only for them to go away hours later. It made social events more fun, but other GABA type drugs mog in terms of side effects. Alcohol really made me look at least 5 years older.

Fags made me feel dirty every time I smoked them and never went back. Last time I did them was years ago and they also taste bad. Don't know about nicotine, can probably live without it. Plus everyone in my life who smokes looks like shit honestly.

Weed I've only done in the form of edibles back in 2022. Had a friend who was studying culinary arts in school and prepared a batch for us. I recall it took a while to hit and when it hit it just made me feel sort of paranoid, it's hard to explain. From what I've read this is a real possibility that can happen. Not really my thing unless smoking it gives different results.

DPH or benadryl, already explained above. Do once to satisfy your curiosity and nevermore. Would not recommend unless you want to chemically self harm.

DXM is similar to medium doses of DPH in its disassociative effects but has a cleaner feeling overall. Probably won't cause early onset dementia as well. I have less experience with this one as it's kind of hard to get in Europe in its pure form, meaning no additives like Paracetamol or Phenylephrine. For this reason, many people opt to import the good stuff from the US from sites like DXM Direct, though domestic options exist such as Hustenstiller-ratiopharm DXM capsules at a decreased quantity of pills per box.

Phenibut turns me into a social superman. I do it pretty much every time I go to a social event like anime cons which I love attending, but also parties and social hangouts. About 1.5 to 2 grams does the trick for me based on the quality of the product. It's peculiar how it doesn't reduce your social anxiety but rather make you forget about it altogether.
There's some rules you must follow if you wish to do this, however. No more than once or twice a week, no redosing, do not mix with any other drug that targets the same receptors such as alcohol, just abstain from drinking if you've taken this or else you'll get hammered real quick.

Tramadol, which is a synthetic opioid. We're approaching danger territory with this one but don't worry it all ends here. And besides it's like fine and stuff because I've never done vein stuff. My first stint with tramadol is something that many people can relate to: my dad had to get shoulder surgery some years ago after he messed it up at work. Nothing too serious just a reocurring pain that needed to get fixed eventually. As a result he got prescribed Tramadol to deal with the pain of recovery, of which he took none. I made quick work of that box over the course of some weeks hehe, just making sure not to get too greedy.

I saved the most peculiar for last: Nutmeg. I'm gonna try describing this one in detail as I find it quite interesting for being literally a fucking nut. I heard about it somewhere, don't remember at the moment, that prisoners and teens get high with this. I proceded to order some from ebay and took 5 grams at first (a whole nut). Eating it felt like chewing tree bark, mushing it inside your mouth as the sap oozes out. Very very disgusting and potent tasting fruit. Of course you're eating something that's used in small quantities as a grounded up spice.

In short, 5 grams did little but cause dry eyes, very mild sedation and a slight hangover, and to my disappointment 10 grams did just that as well. I still saw potential in it and said fuck it, ground 4 nuts (20 grams) into powder and reluctantly poured it all into a yogurt. The taste did not excite me and it took a while, just as anything that needs to be digested, but once it hit it hit.

About 2 hours later I got inexplicably letargic and decided to move from the PC to my bed for a bit, except that bit turned into an hour of scrolling on my phone in a state of confusion, lastly followed by a small nap, or I think it was a nap, I don't member.
What I felt after waking up could only be described as being proper stoned. Pretty good sedation if I had to say, eyes dry and bloodshot, terrible cotton mouth that seemingly never went away and a body heaviness which, while not as severe as DPH, still inmobilized me. Closing my eyes resulted in all sort of trippy visuals of geometric nature like DXM, though the open eyed visuals were hardly as strong. The sedation caused by it was nowhere as potent as DPH so I was able to get on my PC on my first trip and without previous experiences. I enjoyed working on that one GMod ported map and listening to music.
The trip lasted several hours so I was not disappointed. Some of the effects such as body heaviness lasted until the next day, meaning a duration of over 24 hours. One peculiar fact about nutmeg is that it made me insanely hungry during the duration of the trip, something that cannabis does as well. I'm talking eating in a day what I eat in 3. It's okay I don't eat much but you know what I mean.

Nutmeg is still a thing I'm interested in. Sure it's disgusting and not very glamorous but it's dirt cheap and produces some good effects. Some people have reported even better results with higher doses which I'm keen on experimenting myself.

Nothing really. I don't get to be on PC much nowadays and most modern games either don't interest me or demand too much of my time. I guess they lost their appeal to me generally speaking or I just grew out of them. When I do play it's typically visual novels or boomershit type games like the original Resident Evil games or Devil May Cry trilogy on PC. Really anything that doesn't take up too much of my time or has a steep learning curve.

I mostly replaced gaming with other activities like my different hobbies, staring at my bank account, traveling and hanging out with people whenever possible given my hectic work schedule.

Foreign movie (for lack of a better word) has to be Extension du domaine de la lutte also known as Whatever from 1999. It's a word-for-word movie adaptation of a French novel of the same name. It follows the life of a depressed, isolated computer programmer and his unattractive and virginal but hopeful sidekick as they go on a business trip together around France. The movie touches on a few topics, among these being the sexual market, beds, blissfulness in ignorance and misanthropy.

One aspect of the film I really liked that I've hardly felt in any other is how candidly it's filmed. It really feels like you're in 90's France following a guy's life around and really getting into his thoughts unlike any other movie.

Low budget movie: Bad Boy Bubby from 1993, an Australian production, is one of the best movies of all time. It's about a mentally challenged man who's been kept locked away in a decrepit house by his incestuous and fanatic mother for 35 years. He eventually manages to get out into the streets of Port Adelaide and all hell breaks loose. This movie can be described as a comedy-drama combo deluxe and turns in ways you'd never expect. This one really is my GOAT and I wouldn't want it any other way and I don't think any movie even comes close to it. It's gross, endearing and will stay in your mind forever. Being low budget and shoddily filmed only inmerses you in the world more and the performance from every actor is astonishingly good.

There's a few big budget movies I've really enjoyed over the years, like The Machinist, The Substance, a handful of films directed by David Lynch, and Jacob's Ladder. I won't get into much detail because they've been analyzed enough. Though I must say the best produced a movie is the least I can enjoy it. I guess it must have anything to do with the suspension of disdisbelief. Like, Whatever and Bad Boy Bubby really do a good job at being belivable or something. Could never get into superhero slop for that reason.

Not a sports person believe it or not. My mom got me enrolled in judo when I was little, about 9 to 10 years old, which I did alongside her. Eventually ended up joining some competitions and winning a handful of medals that I still own to this day, even if most of these were essentially participation trophies. Furthermore, as a kid I played some soccer in school here and there mainly to fit in even if it's not something I particularly liked.

I was always into combat sports so I did some boxing at a gym between 2021 and 2022 just like my dad used to; could have gone pro if I hadn't started college around that time. It was a combination of boxing and kickboxing. The instructor was some bald guy who worked for the national police who, in spite of his age, could sweep the floor with your body with ease. That was the most strenuous physical exercise I've done in my life, and anybody who's done contact sports could tell you as much.

Also did some hiking and biking throughout my life, I would still be going out if it wasn't for my job. Lastly I did weightlifting from the ages of 14 to 19 but stopped once I realized that dressing as a girl online and starving myself until my bones showed got me more pussy and attention than spending countless friday nights and weekends at a gym alone.

What am I doing now? notta whole lot. My job keeps me moving on my feet and seeing as I only eat twice a day, I'm still in good shape all things considered.

Smile because it irritates those who wish to destroy you. On the same topic, the world is an extremely unhealed place. If you don’t hate yourself, you can guarantee that someone will hate you.

Keep your wins to yourself and don't talk about money with your friends or family if you're doing well.

But most importantly, learn to double down and never apologize for something you don't think you did wrong. Instead, remain true to yourself and never bend the knee. Be based.